


unknown :: hikaru x kaoru

by blgoddess



Category: Ouran High School Host Club - All Media Types
Genre: Brother/Brother, Incest, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-19
Updated: 2017-10-14
Packaged: 2018-10-20 22:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10671972
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blgoddess/pseuds/blgoddess
Summary: they were the unknowns in goodbyes.where hikaru goes back to what kills him and kaoru tries to cope with the fact that he is practically helpless.





	1. eines

Kaoru laid on the soft bed with his arms gently draped over Hikaru's slender body. He admired the boy who others thought looked just like him, but Kaoru was able to see all the differences between themselves. Albeit they share many of the same characteristics and qualities, they were almost as easy to tell apart as normal siblings, to Kaoru, that is.

Hikaru shifted in his position and was now facing Kaoru. His face, Kaoru thought, was pulchritudinous. No blemish was to be seen and he wore not a pained expression, but one of a peaceful slumber. Kaoru was just staring in awe at the boy next to him. He delicately hugged his twin for fear if he were to squeeze too hard, the piece of artwork that was his brother would shatter into a million unfixable pieces.

The other boy moved once more to wrap his narrow arms around the torso of the younger brother, unconsciously, habitually. Kaoru hummed into Hikaru's unusually soft hair, which made the older twin smile into his younger brother's neck.

Kaoru thought about peppering kisses all over his face, but soon thought against it because normal twins wouldn't do that. That's the thing, though: they weren't normal twins. They had a strange dynamic of understanding the other without having anything be said between them. Maybe that's why they are closer to each other than other people with a twin or even a normal sibling.

Tired, but blissfully happy, Kaoru looked at the clock on the bedside table. Five minutes until the bothersome alarm would go off, signaling them to wake up and get ready for school. So the discontented Kaoru, for these five short minutes, would hold onto Hikaru until it would be time for him to hide his feelings and push back any unwanted actions against his brother. The need to always be in physical contact with Hikaru always made him ashamed of himself; the feeling of wanting him all to himself made Kaoru think that he was selfish beyond compare. They were just brothers, after all.

Four, Three, Two, One. The alarm beeps and Hikaru groans into Kaoru's chest, which made him shiver lightly. The five minutes, as predicted, passed too quickly and Kaoru found himself slightly depressed that Hikaru had removed himself from his arms and was sitting up on the shared bed.

"Another day, another dollar," Hikaru mumbles while standing up to stretch his body. The cold, frigid air hits Kaoru immediately, especially because of the lack of warmth that Hikaru had wrapped him in. He shivered just as the twin turned around; upon noticing the cold Kaoru, Hikaru crawled back in bed and embraced his younger brother.

"It's freezing in here, isn't it?" Hikaru murmured into Kaoru's ear. Almost immediately a blush rose to his cheeks and then spread to both of his ears. Hikaru's eyes were, thankfully, closed. Despite being bitterly cold seconds prior, Kaoru was now hot with embarrassment, or at least what he thought was embarrassment.

"Y-yeah," Kaoru stuttered out. At this, the other twin opened his eyes and saw the redness in his brother's cheeks. He was taken aback as he placed his hand on Kaoru's forehead, and then to his.

"Are you sick? Do you feel faint?" He hurriedly questioned. Kaoru just shook his head in response, for fear that he would stutter again. Hikaru just looked at him worriedly, but stayed in the embrace. He then put his face in the crook of Kaoru's neck and took long and even breaths.

"You don't have to hide anything from me, y'know." Kaoru fought against everything in him to keep the redness from reaching his cheeks, and barely succeeded.

"I know," He managed to say without stuttering. For a few minutes, they stayed in that position. Hikaru didn't show any sign of moving until someone knocked on the bedroom door. At that, he let out an exasperated sigh.

"Come in." A maid then entered the room and told them that their breakfast was ready before bowing and exiting. Kaoru glanced at Hikaru to see that he had closed his eyes again, but was frowning this time.

"C'mon, Hikaru," He pleaded. "Don't frown. Let's just get dressed and go down."

"But that's the reason why I'm frowning. I don't _want_ to get dressed. I don't _want_ to go downstairs. I don't _want_ to go to school," he whines. "I want to stay here with you."

Now it was Kaoru who was frowning. It saddened him to think that Hikaru could say this and not realize what it was doing to his twin. For some reason, whenever Kaoru said this, it felt like there was another reason for wanting to stay with him other than the fact that they were just brothers. For Hikaru on the other hand, whenever he said it, it is _just_ for the fact that they are brothers.

He just wished he knew what his "ulterior motive" was.

Kaoru stepped out of bed and walked over to the closet. He opened it and pulled out two matching school uniforms; he then walked over to Hikaru, who was still laying in the bed, and handed him his uniform.

"Come on, we have to leave soon." Kaoru then walked over to the connecting bathroom, went inside, and locked the door behind him. He heard Hikaru groan again before getting off the bed and begin walking around, presumably to gather the rest of the things he needed to get ready.

He turns around to face the long mirror in front of him and stared at his reflection. He saw Hikaru in himself, but then again, not at all. It was shifting between himself and his beloved brother, and he found that he was quite vexed by the feeling that rose in his chest.

It felt like someone had taken a firm hold of his heart and was squeezing it. It didn't hurt much now, but it did when Hikaru said thoughtless things; it hurt when he saw him talking to other girls; it hurt when he wasn't near him; it just hurt and all Kaoru wanted to do was find an antidote for the pain. He hated the aches and the soreness that each squeeze brought. He wanted it to all stop, because he didn't know if he could take anymore of this, whatever this is.

Kaoru to Hikaru; Hikaru to Kaoru. The mirror made him see himself differently _. What was the difference?_ he asked himself _. Why am I different?_

A sudden knock on the door made Kaoru snap out of his trance. "Are you ready, Kaoru? I'm starving!" Hikaru's muffled voice comes through the door.

"Go down without me," he called back, still looking intensely into the mirror. "I'll be down in a minute." He heard footsteps receding and the shut of a door.

Kaoru then began to get dressed, but made sure not to look into the mirror.

He opens the restroom door and sitting on the bed was Hikaru. He jumps off the bed and runs to Kaoru, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the stairs.

"Took you long enough! I am so hungry!" _Hikaru had waited for me_. The hand then squeezed his heart, but the pain was barely noticeable because Hikaru was tightly holding onto his hand and he didn't ever want to let go.


	2. zwei

A host club member to forget your lonely life; a host club member to forget your sins; a host club member to make you feel loved. Despite the many people that trash host clubs, the people in the club are saints in disguises that don't mind the hate.

Kaoru enjoyed everyday in the host club. He enjoyed the smiles on the girls' faces; he enjoyed the laughs everyone shared; but what he enjoyed most was the way his brother goes into this with full immersion. It was in total contrast than before when Hikaru and Kaoru kept only to themselves.

The twins never used to speak to anyone besides each other, unless it was to insult or hurt the other party. But, in the deepest parts of him, Kaoru wishes it went back to the way it was. He wanted Hikaru all to himself and no one else was even allowed to look at him; this was the selfish part of him that he was genuinely ashamed of, and, quite frankly, afraid of.

"Last night, Kaoru had another bad dream," Hikaru says while lightly chuckling. "He ended up coming to my bed and he held me in a tight embrace all through the night!"

"Hikaru." Kaoru flushes a pinkish color before looking down, upset. "You weren't supposed to tell anyone that. Remember?"

"Oh, I just couldn't help it! You were so adorable as your slightly quaking body was held in my arms." Hikaru then tilts Kaoru's chin up and they both leaned in until only mere centimeters separated them.

Everything seemed to have frozen around them for Kaoru. Hikaru's breath fanned lightly on Kaoru's face, and his eyes couldn't look away from the older one's parted lips. Kaoru's eyes involuntary closed and fought with the urge to close whatever distance was between them.

His eyes promptly flew open at the sound of multiple girls squealing. He put his hand on Hikaru's chest and gently pushed him away until the centimeters in distance turned into feet. While his brother gave him a questioning glance, Kaoru stood up and placed a hand over his stomach.

"I'm going to the infirmary." He looked everywhere, avoiding Hikaru's probing eyes. "I don't feel very well. Please excuse me."

"Wait," the other twin half-shouts. "I should go with you jus-"

"No!" Kaoru interrupts. "I-uh think you should keep these kind women company. They would dearly miss you if you went with me."

"Please stay," begs one of the girls in front of them. Hikaru, having no other choice, sits back down in the chair, eyeing his younger brother suspiciously. His hazel irises stare into Kaoru's telling him, _you are going to explain to me later._ The other twin turns his back, but not before shaking his head, denying the not-so-inviting invitation.

After leaving the music room, he heads towards the entrance of the school and walks out the front doors. Kaoru walks until he is off school grounds and turns the leisurely pace into a pant inducing one. He runs into the woods that didn't veer too far off from the main road.

His head pounded and so did his heart. _What was that?_ he incredulously asked himself while running his hands through his already disheveled hair. Thoughts raced through his mind and he couldn't latch onto one clear form of an idea.

"Were you going to kiss him?" Kaoru whispers into the wind. At that, he leans against a tree trunk and sinks to the earthy floor. He puts his head into his hands and thinks for a few minutes.

"Was I going to kiss him?" _I have never known what love is like. Is this love? Hikaru is my brother, my twin, and a man to boot. Why? This can't be real. Kaoru sits against the tree for god knows how long just trying to figure out the age-old question: why?_

He was so deep in thought he hadn't even heard his cellphone ringing in his pocket. On the last ring, he picked up the phone.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru shouted thorough the phone; Kaoru's heart reflexively skipped a beat, and he hated himself for it.

"Yeah?" He halfheartedly replied; he could feel the loss of energy and the heaviness of his eyelids hit him like a truck. He didn't even notice the frigid air nipping at his skin.

"Where are you?" The older of the twins asked the younger, worry laced in with every word. Kaoru felt himself melting even though the temperature was dropping by the minute. "I've been looking for you everywhere!"

Although he really wanted to see him, Kaoru refused to do that; he refused to succumb to his tragic fate. The fact that the thought of holding Hikaru in his arms made him feel warmer disgusted him. That was his _brother_ ; that was his _twin brother._

"I'm actually at a friend's house," Kaoru lied through his teeth. "I'll be back before long."

"Oh, I was just really worried because you didn't answer your phone the first few times and when I went to ask the nurse where you were, she said that you never came in." Hikaru let out a disappointed sigh. Kaoru felt like he was dancing in the palm of his brother's hand. _He will always find a way to overpower me, even when I think he's eating out of my hands._

"I'm, uh, leaving my friend's house right now." Kaoru wanted to destroy every part of him that had feelings for his brother. But if he were to do that, he might just end up killing himself in the process. "I'll be home in a few."

"I'll be waiting," Hikaru breathes though the phone and a visible shiver went down Kaoru's spine. The cause of the shiver was not because of the cold.

He still held the phone up to his ear, which was left unbeknownst to him. Once realizing this, his hand loosened its grip on the cellular device and it fell to the grass-covered ground, where the dial tone could be heard clear as day. Kaoru stood frozen in his spot, unable to comprehend what just occurred; too many things have happened and he couldn't find any words to say.

The bright sun was just setting on the broad horizon, which shot pink, purple, blue, orange, and yellow streaks across the once baby blue sky; the wind was flowing through the scarce red, yellow, brown, and orange leaves on trees. He might've been able to enjoy this beautiful creation of nature if it weren't for the heavy thoughts weighing in his mind and the absence of any kind of emotion, save disgust and self-hatred.

Kaoru began the rather short trek home and once arriving, wished the walk had been longer. He dreaded seeing Hikaru, yet, he felt this sense of anticipation. His contradicting emotions left him in a wreck and drained him of everything, if anything, left in him

Before he opened the door, Hikaru had opened from the inside; his eyes were wide with shock and relief. The elder twin took his younger brother in an embrace; his face was nuzzled in Kaoru's neck and he was shivering, no _quivering_.

"There you are," Hikaru murmurs, lips brushing gently across the sensitive skin. "I was _so_ worried."

"Hmm," Kaoru hums in acknowledgement. The skin on his neck burned, and it felt so nice. He leans into Hikaru, wanting to be as close as humanly possible to his older brother. This movement forced his skin to come in direct contact with Hikaru's lips; he felt goosebumps rise on his arms and a jolt of pleasure shoot through his body.

Kaoru quickly opened his eyes and, again, places his hand lightly on Hikaru's chest. He delicately pushes his twin away with a pained expression on his face; his hand fell from his chest, morosely.

"Thank you for worrying about me," Kaoru breathes. "But I think I'll head to bed early." He then walks past Hikaru and up the stairs.

He ended up not getting a wink of sleep regardless of how tired he was; the only thing that was on his mind was Hikaru. He wanted nothing more than to rid himself of this pain and to be a normal brother to him.

_Why couldn't I have been normal?_


	3. drei

"Have you ever liked anyone besides Kaoru, Hikaru?" A girl asked as she was served tea by the older twin. This question touched several soft spots for Hikaru and Kaoru because it was a rather sore subject for both of the Hitachiin brothers. 

"No, I have never had feelings for anyone else. Oh, by the way, have you heard about the new merchandise Kyoya is selling?" Hikaru plays it off by directing the subject elsewhere, which the surrounding girls neither noticed nor seemed to care. Kaoru, however, knows all too well why his brother dodged the question.

As everyone knows, the Hitachiin twins were not very well favored a few years ago. They refused to interact with others and their stubbornness was their modus operandi. Many saw their vices and shortcomings rather than their virtues and strengths. And who could blame them? The twins acted that way so their unyielding bond would never sway.

But only one person was able to surpass the barrier that they spent years building. Only one person had the power to break them apart and leave them in ruins. That person saw their trump card and used it to their ability to take advantage and destroy.

That one person made those two lonely souls hollowed out pieces of human beings. Those two lonely souls were, seemingly, damaged beyond repair. Their once steadfast, unwavering personalities were stolen from them.

Hikaru stared absentmindedly out the window with thoughts of the only girl he has ever loved dancing on his mind. In his eyes were the memories they shared together and in his heart was the regret of letting her slip from between his fingers. His nose remembered her scent; his fingertips remember the way she felt; his mouth remembered the way she tasted; his body remembered her. 

Kaoru watched his brother with a pained expression. He remembered the way she played his twin's heart and left him in shambles; he remembered having to witness his brother fall apart; he remembered having to be there to see him tear at his insides, trying to rid himself of the flaw that made her leave; he remembered her leaving scott free; he remembered her having no strings attached and his brother having every single string painfully triple-knotted to that wretched woman; his mind remembered her.

He knew that he couldn't change what had happened. Kaoru even knew that he would never be able to erase the memories from Hikaru's heart. But what he did know was that he could try his best to fill the gapping hole in his brother's chest. He could replace the bad things with good ones, make the hateful words disappear along with the scars inflicted on his conscience.

The older of the two stood and announced his departure before walking through the doors and into the corridors. The younger did not follow. He was drowning in his thoughts, looking for a way to swim through the churning seas filled with love and hate. He looked for something that he could grab on to so he could stay above the violent waves. Going under meant succumbing to the two vehement emotions. And as far as it concerned him, Kaoru only needed a way to breathe, and that would be it. By the means of that, he didn't care.

~

"Where's Hikaru?" Kaoru pulls over one of the maids holding a basket of folded laundry and confusedly asks her of the whereabouts of his brother. Upon arriving at the mansion, he had went directly to his shared bedroom, where no one awaited him.

"He has yet to come home," she tells him. "I apologize for not being of more service to you, Master Hitachiin." She bows to him and proceeds up the staircase.

He hasn't come home? he thought. But where could he be? He had left the club early. He should've been home by now.

Kaoru goes out and begins to look for his brother. He knows he is overreacting, but he is so afraid of losing the only thing that means something to him again. Last time it came so close to happening, and Kaoru wouldn't know what to do if Hikaru was gone. Everything he does is centered around his brother. If he were gone, Kaoru's life would be absolutely meaningless.

He walked down this street, then that one. Down one neighborhood, then down the one adjacent to it. One after the other, never hesitating on looking somewhere. Kaoru's feet hurt, but he refused to stop. If he stopped now, he would be giving up and he knew that was one thing he had promised to never do when it came to Hikaru.

He continued to trek down each long road that he was sure he had already been down before. Time and time again, Kaoru walked those streets calling out for his brother. Before he even began to notice, the moon was already overhead, and that still didn't stop him. 

A limo pulled up next to the wandering boy. He just stared as a maid got out and tried to get him into the black car. Kaoru thought he was putting up a struggle, but his body had no energy left to even keep his head from rolling onto his shoulder. He could only hear the faint murmur of the maid reassuring that his brother was okay.

"Hikaru." Kaoru's fingers grasped at his pants, trying to subconsciously find out if he was dreaming a terrible dream. They found the material to feel quiet real, which made him want to start crying; he didn't know where these tears were coming from or why they wanted to so badly be let out.

"Hikaru." Kaoru's head began to pound. This side, then the other, then all over his head he felt a jarring pain. It was nothing short of a migraine. To ease the pain, he closed both of his eyes; he soon found that the picture that had been embedded to the undersides of his eyelids brought him more pain than the headaches ever would. The image was of Hikaru with her. 

"Hikaru." Kaoru's feet ached. He knew he would feel shooting pains up and down his legs if he tried to stand. His feet throbbed and twitched every now and again. It was nothing. These injuries will only cause minor discomfort and irritation. Whenever Kaoru felt the pain from the wounds, he would remember that he got them looking for the person he loved.

"Hikaru," Kaoru mumbled one last time before passing out from the pain.

~

Kaoru walks across the flat white plains casting long glances in all directions, each leading to somewhere unknown. His feet, seemingly, carried him farther and farther away from his problems. For the first time in a very long while, Kaoru felt calm. He felt at ease, as if the whole world stopped and was letting him take a small breather.

A break was all he needed in order to be okay. Kaoru would be just fine if he weren't filled with all of these negative emotions that weighed him down. His constant worries would be obliterated and he would finally feel at peace. That was all that he needed.

But he could never receive those few precious moments. He could never forget his brother, the most important person to ever and will ever be in his life. No one could replace him; not one soul held a candle to the apple of his eye.

Yet, Kaoru knew he was easily replaceable. It's not like he hadn't been replaced before. He was just a stand-in until the one his brother truly loved came along; he would have to step out of the way, because that was the vow he made with himself. Kaoru could never be in the way of Hikaru's happiness.

And if Hikaru's happiness was cast in something horribly wrong, then so be it.


	4. vier

_"Hikaru, wait!" Kaoru yelled out to his older brother, who was turning his back. "Where are you going? Wait!"_

_In the blink of an eye, there was the figure of a young woman standing next to Hikaru, their fingers intertwined. She was just a silhouette, though. No eyes, no mouth, no nose, no way to see her beauty; but Kaoru could feel her eyes burning holes deep within him and criticizing every minute thing about him. He shivered under the woman's harsh, unforgiving glare._

_"I'm sorry," her smooth voice called out. "But your brother never loved you the way you did him. You should've given up when you had the chance."_

_Hikaru then wrapped his arms around the Shadow's thin waist and inched his head closer and closer to her own. Kaoru could neither move nor could he tell the love of his life to step away from the monster; his brother just kept getting closer and closer until nothing was between them._

_The darkness engulfed Hikaru and then spread all the way to Kaoru's paralyzed body. All he could see was pitch darkness whether he closed his eyes or opened them, it was all the same. Nothing._

_For a few fleeting moments, he thought he had been cast into a Hell where the only thing that existed was the thought of Nothing. But who would be there to nurture that thought and show it hope and kindness? Who would be able to change Nothing into Something?_

_Kaoru knew he couldn't be that person. His Something, his Everything, was Hikaru, and now he's gone. All that's left is to sit in this sadistic Hell and wait out eternity._

:::

The younger of two twins, Kaoru Hitachiin, bolted out of his bed, beads of sweat trickling down his face in great quantities. The bed sheets were entangled with the others and the pillows were strewn across the floor. Everything was in a state of disarray.

He rubbed his eyes and blinked until his room came into focus. He headed to the bathroom connected to his bedroom and started to strip from his damp clothing to take a shower.

He adjusted the temperature of the water before rinsing his hair and face. Kaoru thought hard about what his dream could've been about; his room, disheveled bed, and sweat-soaked clothes told him it was _not_ a pleasant one.

His shower was quick, but his thoughts kept him twice as long under the hot water. He found that the scalding liquid calmed him, believe it or not. It left his skin red, but his nerves were back to their normal state.

Kaoru abruptly stopped when he thought he heard a faint whisper; it was more of a muffled, faint call. He heard it again, but this time he was sure it was someone calling someone else. After hearing it a third time, he realizes it's Hikaru yelling his name. Seconds pass before he hears a knock on the door.

"You're taking forever, Kaoru!" Hikaru says. "Why have you been doing that lately? Are you mad at me?"

At this, Kaoru shuts off the water and steps out of the shower, a towel barely clinging to his waste. He opens the door unthinkingly, and while the steam flows out, Hikaru stands looking at his younger brother. Kaoru, only realizing he only had a towel too late, was then wrapped in two arms.

"Let go, Hikaru. You're going to get all wet." A blush rises to his cheeks, but the hot shower had already made his body turn a shade of a darker pink. He tried to push off his brother only to have his rather small towel fall to the floor.

"Let go, Hikaru!" he said more urgently this time. "My towel-"

"It's nothing I haven't seen before." Hikaru tightened his embrace, which resulted in a dazed Kaoru. He felt this pull to his brother that wasn't there before, or at least wasn't as noticeable. He felt like he had been with him, doing something with him.

His dream!

Kaoru's memories of the prior night's dream came flooding back to him, and he wished they hadn't. He could now see everything about his dream so vividly, as if it were happening right in front of him.

He fought everything in him to not bring up his hands and push Hikaru away. His brother needed this; he felt neglected, and Kaoru was the only one to blame.

Forgetting the absence of clothing, he hugged Hikaru back and whispered, "I don't hate you. I promise." _I actually love you._

Hikaru let out an audible sigh of relief as he held Kaoru in his arms. For those few short instances, it was just them. No one else mattered to them in that moment except for each other.

After a few minutes, Kaoru began to feel awkward and bothered from lack of coverage. Hikaru showed no sign of letting go, and that made the bothered part of him become even more bothered.

"I'm cold, Hikaru. Let me finish changing," Kaoru murmurs into his older brother's shoulder. He nodded, and very slowly released his younger brother.

Hikaru walked over to Kaoru's closet and pulled out the school uniform. He handed it to him and told him to dress quickly; to his brother's request, he hurriedly pulled on his pants and clumsily put his shirt on.

Kaoru feelt a twinge of regret for making Hikaru let go. Now he felt a different kind of coldness, more like a loneliness than anything. He wanted to stay wrapped in the arms of his older sibling regardless of how awkward he felt.

Just after he slipped his blue blazer on, Kaoru caught himself. You can't think that way. Hikaru is your brother and it's wrong to like him. _You don't like him; it's just the fact that he was the only one who was always there for you that you like him, nothing more, nothing less._

A frown took its place on Kaoru's face, and he couldn't suppress the plethora of negative emotions that soon encompassed his entire being. He was angry at himself for liking Hikaru; he was ashamed of those feelings.

"We're going to be late!" Hikaru says while tugging on Kaoru's sleeve. He had to fight the blush that threatened to appear on his cheeks, and it pained him so much to do so.

But he couldn't tug his hand away from Hikaru, because that would lead him to believe that Kaoru hated him, and that is all but the truth. The younger brother hated when his elder twin thought that his younger twin disliked him. He tries so hard to avoid that from happening, which results in Kaoru holding back his true feelings.

The car ride to school was quiet on Kaoru's part, but Hikaru went off on a tangent about something that was meaningless. Kaoru was still as attentive as ever and gave him his undivided attention. Anything that Hikaru said was absorbed by Kaoru, and he never wanted to forget what was said, even if it was completely insignificant or irrelevant.

Upon arriving at the entrance gates at Ouran, Hikaru was out of the car first, therefore, the first to be met by girls. The squealing was what gave it away plus the fact that this was almost an everyday thing.

They enjoyed the attention, and they also enjoyed making the girls' days better. If it's any consolation, the girls made the Hitachiin twins' days better, too.

But as of late, Kaoru has been annoyed by these women. He thinks they are too clingy and that irritates him to no end. He hates the way they always bat their eyelashes at Hikaru when they ask a simple question that only a moron would ask; he hates the way some would "absentmindedly" brush their arms with his twin's; he hated the close proximity of him and the girls. Everything about them irked Kaoru, and he just wanted them to leave his older brother alone!

Kaoru stops in his tracks at the gate. He feels a great sense of remorse once the thoughts reel through his mind. He wonders for a few moments if those thoughts were actually his. Were they? or were they apart of the darkness that only love could bring?

"Kaoru!" Hikaru calls out, but isn't heard because of the crowds of girls that surround him. Kaoru is left to his own thoughts, which is a dangerous thing in itself, as his older brother is carried off by the hoards to someplace unknown.


	5. fünf

Kaoru sat in his classroom more than aware of his brother's absence. The empty chair ridiculed him because it somehow knew what the boy was thinking about; he just turned his head down in shame and guilt. What else was he to do? He could no less stop the intrusive thoughts than stop gravity from pulling things to the earth.

"Ugh," A girl sighed from across the room, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I am dead on my feet. I couldn't fall asleep until four this morning. I just want to lie down and sleep for the rest of this week, maybe even forever."

"I totally feel for you," another girl that seemed to be her friend replied. They looked similar, which made Kaoru wonder if the thing about 'becoming like the people you're close to' actually applied to real life; he had always thought of it as a sort of anecdote to share when there is nothing else to talk about. By just thinking about it, he realized he had become so much like his twin that it scared him a little. He saw just how true the small, yet meaningful, statement was.

"I haven't gotten a good rest in a long time." They picked up their books and proceeded to go where they needed to be, still chatting about their sleeping schedule, more or less, lack therefore of. You could hear their shoes clicking away in the hallway just outside the classroom.

Kaoru sat at his chair with his palms facing towards him on the edge of the desk. _Do you know what's worse than not getting enough sleep and being dead tired? Having gotten more than enough sleep and still being completely drained was far worse._

The loneliness sucked the vitality out of him. He was left lying on the floor with tear-stained cheeks and dry eyes; he could do nothing to stop the onslaught on his mind and heart. One after the other, Kaoru has learned to try and roll with the punches, no matter how much they might leave him broken and beyond repair.

The chair adjacent to him became too unbearable, so he quickly gathered his things and left the room in a rush, an afterimage of the chair pressed into his mind. The holes where the chair seared spots into Kaoru's body with its harsh glare burned intensely. The corridors weren't crowded all too much, so making it to the entrance wasn't a hard task.

People paid no attention to him, really. They talked to each other with a soft smile and a hushed voice. Without his twin there, he walked down the halls without being stopped and slipped out the front entrance easily.

Kaoru stopped just outside the grand doors. _I can't even make it a day without tripping over my feelings? Would one day be too much to ask?_

He contemplated the choice for a few more seconds. His foot took a hesitant step forward, almost like his heart was asking permission to leave this godawful place. His mind, however, was more stubborn. He told himself that he wasn't going to let his "girly" thoughts get the best of him. The twin's contradicting feelings made it insanely hard to make a decision.

Kaoru turned and slowly made his way back into the large school. _Just one measly day, only one. Please, you can do this. You said that you weren't going to let yourself keep falling; don't break your promises. The host club is the last place that you have to go to before leaving. Just one day._

He begrudgingly made his way to music room three. His heart clung to the unsureness in his mind, and it made it grow ever larger. Each step made him regret his choice to continue this horrible day, but he knew, at the back of his mind, he had to persevere. He wasn't going to quit because of his stupid feelings, that were soon to pass.

Opening the doors, he knew it wasn't a very smart idea to come to the place where the pair was valued greatly. No one actually cared about Kaoru by himself; it had to be the duo together, not separate, to gain the attention of his clients. Without Hikaru, he was nothing, to himself and everyone else around them. Making an effort shouldn't be discouraged, though. He pushed past the negative wall of emotions into the music room.

"Kaoru," Tamaki excitedly half-yelled. He was on the redhead like a moth drawn to a flame. "Where's Hikaru?"

"He's sick," Kaoru lies. "Yeah, sore throat, upset stomach, head-splitting migraine, the works," he seethes. Suddenly bringing up his brother set him off. Yes, he had been thinking of him, but hearing someone else notice the empty space beside him and the pestering struck a cord. His forehead was creased with frustration and irritability.

Tamaki shrinks back in hurt; his once cheerful expression vanished and everyone currently presiding in the room looked on in a stunned silence. Kaoru's eyes eased their anger upon seeing this and remorse replaced the impetuous rage. He reached out to apologize, but instantly retracts his hand in fear of making matters worse. _I knew it was a bad idea. I shouldn't have come. I don't know why I was expecting something better from myself. I should've just known that I was going to be a letdown from the get-go._

He turns and sprints out the doors and leaves the school grounds in the spur of the moment. Everything he had said before was trashed, because he believed that whatever fell from his lips was meaningless. Phoning someone to pick him up was useless, so he kept running. The surroundings were a blur to him, not because of his pace but because of the tears brimming in his eyes.

He makes it to the mansion and stands outside, heaving to get air to his lungs. Looking up at his and his brother's home allowed a nostalgic air to pass over him. The many memories shared here were constant reminders of what he lost. His heart remembered all of those times that he and Hikaru were the center of each other's universes. The melancholy tone of his short and jagged breaths were very clear and rang in his ears.   

Deciding that he couldn't stay here any longer, he kept running. He didn't know where he was going, and he thought that that was better. No one would know him; no one would judge him. _There_ was someplace new, someplace better.

After keeping up his sprint for a while, he didn't know where he was. It was just open road from here on out, and Kaoru turned a full 360 degrees and couldn't find a single thing that hinted to the existence of the rich and elegant neighborhood. To say the least, he thought that this place here felt more comfortable than back there. He thought that this place was someplace where he could be himself, which was peculiar in itself. He felt like he was free to do as he pleased here, to feel as he pleased. 

His mind wandered to his brother, as it always did. Kaoru didn't know where Hikaru disappears to; he was hoping that his twin would trust him enough to tell him the secret. So far, he's been in the dark on just about every single thing. He feared that he was no longer his brother's confidant for not one word was uttered to him about the elder's whereabouts.

Kaoru gently lowered himself until he was sat in the middle of the road. Plains of grass were on both sides of him; the sun just about to set in the distance made everything seem so surreal. He sat and soaked in as much warmth as the weather permitted, giving it was almost the beginning of winter and how unnaturally cold it was for this time of year.

He laid back on the asphalt and watched the short blades of grass jaggedly sway. Kaoru sat there in a serene peace, waiting up for no one as if this new scenery changed his entire mindset. Hikaru was now just about the last thing on his mind, and he felt that everything had come to a standstill. This was what he wanted; this was what he so desperately needed.

His eyes were struggling to stay open and they kept fluttering open every few seconds when he realized he was falling asleep. He was too exhausted to get up from his spot on the deserted road and go back, so he stayed exactly where he was.

The stalks of grass were like sheep. The longer he looked at them the more sleep beckoned. At that moment, Kaoru didn't care if a car were to come and run him over; he just didn't care about anything in those instances. He was just so tired of trying that it's taken this big of a toll on him.

Before the sun was fully gone, he had already slipped into an imperturbable oblivion for those short hours.

That night he dreamed of magnolias, orchids, peonies, and dahlias covering every inch of the ground. The clouds overhead were in the shapes of creatures from otherworldly places, which Kaoru found were of such amaranthine beauty that it'd be hard to fully describe to someone who hasn't seen it. Aromas such as vanilla and peppermint filled his nose with memories of a much simpler life. He was able to share all of this artistic delicacy and elegance with his dearest twin. They walked about the place, hands laced together, in perfect bliss.


	6. sechs

The moonlight illuminated the night with a pale glow and the stars shone brightly, which was in great contrast with the deep blue night sky. The remaining leaves on trees waved slightly due to the gentle breeze in the air, which also tussled Kaoru's already disheveled hair. The night was almost silent, aside from the crunching of dead leaves under foot.

As he had been the past few nights, Kaoru was restless. His heart hurt, and how could the mind sleep if the heart's awake? Sleep evaded him whenever he laid in _his_ bed in _his_ room. Whether his heart hurt because of Hikaru's words or Hikaru's actions, he couldn't tell. Well damn, it might've been both that kept him up into the early hours of the morning.

It, most likely, would have been a different story if he were in his brother's bedroom, under his brother's sheets and blankets, wrapped in his brother's arms. Things had been that way up until a few days ago when Hikaru had asked Kaoru to sleep in his own room for the time being.

He breathed in the night air and marched on.

Kaoru walked around in the wooded area, fully aware that every step took him farther and farther away from his brother. He thought that if he were to lose his way, Hikaru would work night and day to find his little brother. He hoped that is what would happen. _I mean, I'd do the same for him._

Little be little, piece by piece, he tried gathering together his feelings. It was the norm now to be hurt by his elder sibling. Kaoru didn't mind much, though. Hikaru was oblivious to his wrongdoings, and Kaoru didn't want to make him feel bad. To see his brother's smile slip from his mouth was a fear of his, and he never wanted to face that fear.

Kaoru's feet kicked at a pebble on the ground. It rolled away a few feet in front of him, and he kicked it again when coming up to it when walking. The sound of his feet stepping on leaves and branches, oddly enough, eased his mind. When his foot skidded across the ground to kick the smooth rock, the sound lulled him into a peaceful trance.

He wasn't mad at Hikaru. If anything, Hikaru would be the last person he'd feel anger towards. No, Kaoru was mad at himself; Hikaru just so happened to be part of the reason his brother had such a strong disliking towards himself.

_The only one at fault is me. I let myself get this far. I'm the one who left my heart out in the open. I'm the one who stood by and watched as my heart was thrown to the ground. I'm the one who watched as the shattered pieces scattered across the floor. I'm the one who then proceeded to stomp and smash the remnants of my broken heart._

Kaoru maneuvered around the thick bases of trees, staring at the path that laid ahead. The little openings in the canopy overhead allowed little streams of white light  to gleam on the earthen mounds. By this point, Kaoru had forgotten how far he had ventured into the woods.

He wasn't phased one bit; he turned on his heel and walked back the way he came. Kaoru didn't remember if, in his haze, he had made a turn or two when walking. Deciding that he would just keep his trek in the same direction, he stopped thinking about it.

The bearings were unfamiliar to him, but they had always been that way. Whether if he walked in this wood once or dozens of times, he would probably never become accustomed to this setting. He didn't know how he knew this, but it was something that he felt had already been set in stone.

After walking quite some time, an opening came into Kaoru's view. He exited the woods and looked up at the sky. Dawn was quickly approaching the horizon, so Kaoru decided to stay out just a bit longer. He knew no one would be alarmed by his absence anyway.

The mansion was just across the street with his brother inside. Hikaru normally doesn't wake up, on a weekend, until 10; it had always been impossible for Kaoru to sleep that late. As his brother slept, he stayed next to him and watched his beautiful twin dream on.

Kaoru had situated himself in the many trees' shadows, invisible to the world. He tucked his knees in and covered himself with the blanket that had been tied around his shoulders like a cape through last night and into this morning.

He watched as the sun peeked up from behind the mansion, which made him curl his toes in awe. Just as he was about to stand up and walk back across the street, a black limo pulled up to the front of the Hitachiin Mansion. Kaoru stayed in his spot a little longer, shrouded by darkness, to see who could have business here at this time of day.

The door opened and out stepped Hikaru with dark crevices under his eyes but a grin on his lips. Kaoru sat and stared as his brother waved to the limo and leisurely walked up to the front doors, knocked, and was let in by one of the maids, who, from where he sat, he couldn't see the face of clearly.

Kaoru didn't know Hikaru was out; in fact, he knew nothing of what his brother did basically the entire day. His brother tried his hardest to put distance between them, and it worked quite well, to Kaoru's dismay. It was rare to see one another nowadays, which is drastically different than before when they were practically glued to each other.

By this point, Kaoru wanted to storm in there and scream until his voice was raw, shouting profanities at his beloved. There were just so many unanswered questions that _deserved_ to be answered. He hated not being in the know, especially if the "know" concerned Hikaru.

Despite all of that, though, he stayed rooted to the spot as the many other trees were; maybe it was in fear of the answer he would get or maybe it's because of the fear of not receiving an answer that made him idle his time there. Picking at the blades of grass became much more interesting than it had before, so he didn't move from where he sat and played with the prickly green ground.

The sun was well over the horizon by now, and Kaoru sat in a somber silence. _What could've made him smile like that? He's never smiled like that with me before. Who was capable of putting that kind of expression on his face?_

He froze for a brief moment in dread and horror. _No, never. That could never be it. I made him promise me. He said that he'd stay by my side now and forever._ At the pit of his stomach sat fear and apprehension, that of which he had tried so hard to suppress for a very long time. _He promised._

Kaoru decided to head up to the house after a few more minutes of reassuring himself. He knocked on the front door, where a frantic maid opened up, looking worse for wear. The boy was in too much of a daze to understand a word she was saying, but he did pick up her worried tone.

He just nodded along with whatever she was saying, whether it required a head nod or not. She shook her head slightly and brought him upstairs to his bedroom.

The coldness hit him immediately once he stepped past the threshold. It wasn't a frigid cold, but it was a cold caused by loneliness. Kaoru visibly shrunk back from the room because the atmosphere became too much for him to handle. The maid didn't know what to do with the teenager who basically refused to enter the room.

Since this room wouldn't suffice, she knew that all of the guest bedrooms wouldn't either. She brought him back downstairs and laid him on a couch in the very corner of the living room. Kaoru didn't make a fuss when she brought him freshly washed and air-dried blankets from a basket. He slipped into, what seemed to be, an uneasy slumber. The maid left the room and told everyone to leave the boy undisturbed because she knew that he had already been disturbed enough by what occupied his mind.


	7. sieben

It surprised everyone that both twins showed up to host club that day. They had both been skipping out on it, but with a scolding from Kyoya and Haruhi, each of them came to the conclusion that it would be better to attend.

No one took notice of Hikaru's unnaturally happy state or Kaoru's unnaturally depressed one. All they cared about was that the twins were there and carrying out their duties as hosts. Even the other hosts didn't notice the difference in their auras; Kaoru found that quite disappointing.

The boys went about their routine as if nothing had changed between them. Kaoru sat there and played along as the innocent twin, acting as if he'd never shed a tear over the boy sitting next to him. Hikaru laughed as if he knew all that was going on when he couldn't be any more oblivious to everything than he already was.

Bustling hosts, squealing girls meant less space was left to occupy the room as each girl opened the door and walked in. The room looked like it had reached its maximum capacity about ten girls ago.

Everyone was in a frenzy, meaning only the girls, over the newest host club merchandise. Some, most, were ecstatic to get their hands on a copy of the photo book compiled of pictures of each member taken by a professional. Others, the minority of the group, protested and demanded why their favorite mischievous twin duo had very few photos in the album. The pictures were far and few in between, hardly any, really.

Not one host club member supplied the girls with answers; at least, answers that they were satisfied with. Kaoru refused to let go of his pride, so he withheld his testimony on the matter. All of the other host club members, however, didn't know what to say to the fraught girls.

Kaoru knew he was making it hard on his friends, but he was more stubborn than that. He assumed that even Kyoya wasn't quite sure what was going on with his redheaded friend; hell, _Kaoru_ wasn't even 100% sure what to diagnose himself with.

"Kaoru!" a shrill voice filled his ears. "What about the pictures of you and your brother? Why are there barely any? Why did I get ginseng tea and not chamomile?" Kaoru thought for a few seconds until he made up another one of his fake stories to cover for the fact that Hikaru had been practically rushing the entire shoot that day to get somewhere important, making it hard to get any good photos of them together. He, along with every other person in the room, pretty much ignored that last question.

"Me and Hika were a little impatient the day the photographer came." He looked down in faux embarrassment. "We went to the session, but Hika couldn't wait any longer. So we went and..." Kaoru trailed off, waiting for Hikaru to finish the sentence like he always did.

Silence. Kaoru stole a glance out of the corner of his eye at his brother, shocked that his twin hadn't said anything. Once his brain processed what it was seeing, Kaoru abruptly stood up, not masking his actions whatsoever. The girls in front of them held their breath, anticipating his next move.

Hikaru was smiling; it was a rather large and sappy smile that Kaoru hadn't seen in a very long time. It was the smile that he had tried to get out of Hikaru ever since she left. He was staring at his phone, smiling as the texts rolled in. One after the other, each one making the smile stretch more and more, if that were possible.

Kaoru tried to stay calm the best he could; he was definitely scared, but everything in front of him made his mood more depressed. He moved to the back of Hikaru and bent over slightly to drape his arms over his brother's shoulders in the pseudo-loving manner that had been his façade ever since this host club began.

"Who is my _twin_ texting when he should be paying attention to his _little brother?_ " he murmured in his ear, but loud enough for the girls to hear. He slid the phone out of his hands and was reading the texts before Hikaru even realized the device was no longer in his possession.

"I can't wait to see you. I know; I miss you alr-" he started to read aloud before stopping dead in his tracks. He hurriedly kept reading through the previous texts in his mind, absorbing every word. Things like, 'You've been on my mind all day' and 'Last time was really fun' were scattered throughout the conversation.

Hikaru, once coming out of his daydream, took the phone out of Kaoru's hands. They stared at each other for a few seconds; they looked at each other dead in the eye, waiting.

Kaoru waited for Hikaru to tell him that it was a lie; he wanted to be told that this was all a big practical joke. Albeit he knew he had more than enough evidence to prove that this was wholly real, he still wanted to so badly believe that it wasn't.

Hikaru sat on the edge of his seat, trying his hardest to suppress the smile threatening to make its way onto his face. He was waiting for Kaoru to hug him tightly and congratulate him. The love of his life was back and he knew that Kaoru knew that.

Everyone in the room froze and stared at the scene unfolding. Even the twins' friends stayed silent as they watched intensely. They all sat in suspense.

A sad smile slid onto his lips and Kaoru shook his head, holding back his tears. He was beat and he couldn't recover from this loss. Turning around, he walked out of music room three, continuing to shake his head. The younger twin didn't know what to do and neither did the older one.

The room stared at the door where Kaoru just exited from. They were utterly confused, so they all turned to Hikaru in hopes of an explanation. Hikaru looked just as lost as everyone else did.

Kaoru walked through the halls with his hands stuffed in his pockets and tear-filled eyes. He took out his phone and called his chauffeur just saying the words "get over here" and hanging up.

By the time he made it to the school's entrance, the limo is there awaiting him. Kaoru had deep down hoped that someone, _someone_ , would come running after him.

As he got into the car, he looked back and saw nothing, nobody dashing through the doors.


End file.
